It's an interesting thing to look back on who you once were. After taking several years away from a blog-forgetting about it actually-and returning to read it, I found myself swaddled in self-reflection. Mostly I wondered, "Who IS this girl? This girl that thinks with clarity and sees the world through kingdom lenses and reflects on the world around her?" My first instinct was to think, "What has happened to me? Why can't I even think like that anymore?" But the answer came clearly. Life. Life happened.
You don't get to be 31 and single without a little heartache baggage and likely a few trust issues. Trusting others, trusting yourself, and most of all, the gut-wrenching battles in trusting the Lord. These battles have the potential to affect your innermost being, who you are and who you want to be. I recently met a friend who knew me in 2006, and he blatantly told me that I am not who I once was. He's right. Maybe I am jaded. Maybe I am cautious. But I don't see the world through the naïve, rose-colored glasses that I once did. For a long time, I felt guilty that I could not manufacture the joy or happiness that I felt a Christian was SUPPOSED to have. Guilt turned to shame and kept me in the pit. Held there by the pressures of Christian subculture to mask sin, shame, and depression.
I thought that was what I was supposed to do. It is still expected of me in some circles.
Truth: I don't have my act together. I doubt, I yell at God, and I question His work. And you know what I've learned.....
My God is big enough to take it. He loves me, even when I am Habakkuk. Even when I am David. Even when I am Peter. Even when I am me.
Life is hard to swallow right now. In various sectors I feel used and small. So, I sat in church this weekend and I felt as if the worship leader was guiding me to give an emotional response to the music. Suddenly, I was confused. Should we give an emotional response to God? I get emotional at baseball games. They make be happy. Should I manufacture some sort of "feeling" in response to God? And what if what I am feeling is not worship or praise? If I offered my honest emotion in that moment, I would have been angry and confused. Probably yelled something like "I don't FEEL like things are OK right now! Why aren't you fixing it?!" The thing is, I know that I am not alone. I know that there are Christians around the world that "feel wrong."
Thank Him that His grace is not contingent on how we feel. Even if we feel wrong.
But what do we do with it?
We cry. We pray (even if it's just a groan that the Spirit translates for us). I heard some very wise words: we cannot pull ourselves out of the pit. So we wait for our Savior to fight for us and hope (as much as it can even hurt to think about that word) that He will. Remind ourselves of what He has done. Read old blogs and journals. And breathe. Just breathe.
"You will not need to fight in this battle. Stand firm, hold your position, and see the salvation of the LORD on your behalf, O Judah and Jerusalem.’ Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed. Tomorrow go out against them, and the LORD will be with you.” 2 Chronicles 20:17