are you being served?

My current occupation is definitely one of the service industry. One might think that since I work at a Baptist Seminary, my job is all smiles, all the time. However, although I do have the privilege of working with some fine people, I often come across one or two patrons that show somewhat less-than-average value in my position. For a vast majority of my academic career, I have placed (often misplaced) great time and effort into the betterment of my mind (particularly in languages). Working in my respective office, I am in contact with dozens of language students daily, seeking the aid of my co-worker who happens to be the school's tutor and language guru. I have come to find out that one of my greatest pet peeves is when people underestimate me or my ability. One lively afternoon, a kind gentlemen came in the office in search of a German tutor. I explained to him that we did not have one on staff, but that German was actually my major in college and I would be happy to help in any way I could. The response I received was one in which I was imposed to interpret that I was merely a secretary and if I hear of a REAL tutor, then I was to contact him. My thought process included the following exhortations: I can help you! I want to help! Let me help you! I promise I know more than you think I might know! I know what I am taking about! Let me do it! I then proceeded to relay this story and my frustration to a couple of friends. However, approximately 10 minutes later, I found myself before the Lord who was voicing the very same exhortations of me. So this brought a whole new perspective to the afternoon.....

movie theaters and thriller dreams

Yesterday might have been a perfect afternoon... well, almost perfect. I decided that I was going to take an afternoon after work just for me and spend some time alone doing things that I enjoy. After work, I ran home to shower quickly and headed out to get a massage. When I arrived at the parlor the masseuse was in Arlington, so I quickly opted out (and good because I would have been convicted later for spending so much money on something like that!). I then headed downtown and took a walk around the square. About that time, my college roommate called. Now, this is divine because I have not talked with her in MONTHS and have not seen her in about TWO YEARS, but I love her dearly, and she has been on my mind lately. She knew nothing about what is happening in my life, so I got the chance to catch up with her. She is in her fourth year of medical school in Mississippi (her husband is in his third) and one of the most precious people that I know. I was reminded of the people that the Lord has placed in my life who genuinely care about me and I know would be there in a moment if ever I was in need. (kinda like a It's a Wonderful Life moment). After walking downtown (it was BEAUTIFUL) and taking the standard Barnes and Noble/ Starbucks browse, I went to see the movie Becoming Jane. Mind you, I have seen it before, but something in me wanted to see it again, to experience the story one more time. If you know the story of Jane Austen, the ending is bittersweet, but as I wrapped up in my blanket, hot dog in one hand and diet coke in the other, it was perfect. After a long day, a long several months of going and thinking and trudging, I rested. Then, I went to Starbucks and got something with e double-shot and went home to warm it up, wrote a letter (of which I am now committed to doing daily) and read in my bed. Dreams were a little like a suspense thriller last night, but I woke up alert and ready for the first day of the rest of my life =). No deep thoughts today, but thank you, Jesus, for all kinds of rest.

Forgiveness

When I would blog in the past, it was interesting and even inspiring to watch the world around me and discover His glory and presence in all ways of life. Today, I feel empty, anxious, full, peaceful... all in one. In Bible study last night, we talked about getting out of our boats (comfort zones) and how the Lord, knowing full well that we would fall, sends us out. My heart is caught somewhere with the Lord between begging for his mercy not to fall and succumbing to his grace, knowing that I will. I was talking with the Lord last night and before I began to present my petitions, I started to confess the-- often numerous-- sins of the day. Then I stopped. I realized that as I was confessing my sin to him, I neglected the most important part. Although it has already been atoned, I was neglecting to ask forgiveness for the transgressions against the Father. I think too often we don't hesitate to acknowledge our sin, before the Father and others; however, I know I fail in recognizing that this sin, by nature, is an abomination against a holy God and each sinful thought and action is spitting in the face of the very grace and mercy of which I ask. Confession is nothing without repentance. Repentance includes the acknowledgment that forgiveness is needed by the Father and choosing to flee. Do I flee?

a little peace of heaven....

Ok, I am back in the blogger world (after a long sabbatical). I will not attempt to review the last year and a half, but know that life is a long, hard journey and through it all, we are not who we were yesterday and for this, the Lord is to be praised. I am not really sure if anyone will read this anymore, so I assume that this writing is more for myself than for the blogger world at-large. So, here we go.....
The past few weeks of my life have been a war with the Lord. In reflection of Jacob, I feel like my struggle with the Lord has broken my hip, femur, and skull. At a point of utter despair the other night, a friend said to me, "Not everyone gets to wrestle with the Lord." This thought echoes in my mind. I am struggling to find joy not in spite of, but BECAUSE of my struggle (I believe I addressed this in a previous post - amazing how the Lord continually seeks to sanctify an area of our lives until we actually get it right.) I am learning how to be "crazy honest" before the Lord, convinced that he cares more about our relationship with him than how much Scripture we can quote back to him or how many times we can say "Your will be done." I felt that to be intimate with him, this is not sufficient. He wants ALL of us. I once cried before a treasured friend and apologized for being such a baby. He turned and squared me, making me promise never to apologize for being real with him. I think this is how the Lord wants us to approach him. No apologies for honesty. It is only in these times, times in which the Psalms tell me that he is listening, that I have found peace. Only when I am on my knees in my living room crying my eyes out and begging the Lord to move, is my soul--somehow--peaceful.

Grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace

Move our hearts to hear a single beat

Between alibis and enemies to mind

Or maybe not, not today

Peace might be another world away

And if that's the case....

We'll give thanks to you

With gratitude

For lessons learned in how to trust in you

We are blessed beyond what we could ever dream

In abundance or need

If you never grants us peace

But Jesus ...... would you please?