The past few weeks of my life have been a war with the Lord. In reflection of Jacob, I feel like my struggle with the Lord has broken my hip, femur, and skull. At a point of utter despair the other night, a friend said to me, "Not everyone gets to wrestle with the Lord." This thought echoes in my mind. I am struggling to find joy not in spite of, but BECAUSE of my struggle (I believe I addressed this in a previous post - amazing how the Lord continually seeks to sanctify an area of our lives until we actually get it right.) I am learning how to be "crazy honest" before the Lord, convinced that he cares more about our relationship with him than how much Scripture we can quote back to him or how many times we can say "Your will be done." I felt that to be intimate with him, this is not sufficient. He wants ALL of us. I once cried before a treasured friend and apologized for being such a baby. He turned and squared me, making me promise never to apologize for being real with him. I think this is how the Lord wants us to approach him. No apologies for honesty. It is only in these times, times in which the Psalms tell me that he is listening, that I have found peace. Only when I am on my knees in my living room crying my eyes out and begging the Lord to move, is my soul--somehow--peaceful.
Grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies to mind
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case....
We'll give thanks to you
For lessons learned in how to trust in you
We are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or need
If you never grants us peace
But Jesus ...... would you please?